<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>love is not enough by cloudsunset</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29936928">love is not enough</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudsunset/pseuds/cloudsunset'>cloudsunset</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, Living Together, M/M, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, POV Sakusa Kiyoomi, Post-Break Up, Pro Volleyball Player Miya Atsumu, Pro Volleyball Player Sakusa Kiyoomi, SakuAtsu Angst Week, Sakusa Kiyoomi-centric, there's fluff if you squint enough, theyre so inlove it hurts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:02:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,736</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29936928</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudsunset/pseuds/cloudsunset</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is not enough.</p><p>Kiyoomi realized this in his first year in university when he broke up with Atsumu.</p><p>Kiyoomi realized this again in his second year in university when he and Atsumu started seeing each other again even after breaking up with each other.</p><p>Kiyoomi realized this again when he joined MSBY Black Jackals, moved in with Atsumu and started living together even though they were not together.</p><p>Kiyoomi finally realized this when he had to let Atsumu go</p><p>-<br/>Entry for #SakuAtsuAngstWeek DAY 1: Break Up/ Post-Break Up | Goodbye</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SakuAtsuAngstWeek</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>love is not enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lettersinpetals/gifts">lettersinpetals</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this on a whim, two days before the SakuAtsu Angst Week starts. This story is inspired by Ugetsu and Akihiko's love story in the Given movie. It's not entirely the same, but they were my inspiration in writing this. </p><p>I wanted to gift this to Ate Summer (lettersinpetals), who was one of the reasons I fell in love with the SakuAtsu ship, her fics made me fall in love with Sakusa and Atsumu's dynamic and I just got obsessed, and now they are my top comfort ship. So I just want to thank Ate Summer for introducing SakuAtsu to me, and for making me love them through her writing, and here I am, finally writing one and gifting it to her. I hope you like this, Ate, and I hope you won't cry too much!</p><p>Also, I wanna give the biggest thanks to Cel (celestictae), thank you so much for sharing and listening to my SakuAtsu brainrot every day! Thank you so much for helping me by beta reading this fic.</p><p>To my readers, I hope you enjoy reading this!</p><p>This is my entry to SakuAtsu Angst Week 21 DAY 1: Break up/Post-Break up AU + Goodbye</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>2015-2016</strong> </em>
</p><p>Love is not enough.</p><p>Kiyoomi realized this in his first year in university when he broke up with Atsumu.</p><p>The day they got together was the day Kiyoomi finally had the guts to ask Atsumu out on their last Spring Tournament. Itachiyama Institute placed second while Inarizaki placed third. Their teams might have lost with them being the captains but they both won when Atsumu kissed Kiyoomi in front of national television.</p><p>It was easy, at first, even with Atsumu living in Hyogo while Kiyoomi was in Tokyo. They texted each other every hour of every day, they called each other every night. It was fun. They went to each other’s graduation day, and slept over at each other’s room.</p><p>It was when Atsumu came over for Kiyoomi’s graduation and slept over at his room when they had sex for the first time. Atsumu had whispered sweet nothings in Kiyoomi’s ear, held him close and gentle, staring at Kiyoomi as if Kiyoomi was his entire world.</p><p>They did it again and again until marks of love scattered their entire bodies. That was also the night they first said “I love you” to each other.</p><p>Everything was so easy, because back then, love was enough.</p><p>Love was enough of a reason to be together. Love was enough of a reason to stay. Love was enough of a reason to keep continuing their relationship. Love was enough for Kiyoomi and Atsumu.</p><p>Until it wasn’t.</p><p>They were only together for a year, but half of that year was spent fighting, shouting, uttering words they did not mean. Despite all the fights they had, they still ended up in each other’s arms.</p><p>But in the end, they still broke up, but their breakup wasn’t as bad as their fights. Kiyoomi was the one who ended it, Kiyoomi felt suffocated with their relationship and he knew Atsumu was suffering because of him.</p><p>Kiyoomi wanted to stay by Atsumu’s side forever, he truly did.</p><p>But love was not enough for Kiyoomi to stay with Atsumu, not anymore, but it was enough for him to still not be able to let Atsumu go in his life.</p><p>Because Kiyoomi loves Atsumu so much.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>2016-2018</strong> </em>
</p><p>Love is not enough.</p><p>Kiyoomi realized this again when he and Atsumu started seeing each other again even after breaking up with each other.</p><p>And by seeing each other, it meant fucking each other.</p><p>It was 5 months after their breakup, Kiyoomi – who was a second year that time – attended one of Motoya’s games. Kiyoomi had always attended Motoya’s game since most of their games were in Tokyo, but this game was different, because EJP Raijin was up against MSBY Black Jackals.</p><p>Kiyoomi knew MSBY Black Jackals were playing that time, he wasn’t supposed to go because he was actually busy that time, but he found out that it was Atsumu’s first debut as the starting setter of the Black Jackals, after a year of being a second-string setter.</p><p>Kiyoomi knew he shouldn’t have gone, because he still wasn’t ready to see Atsumu yet. But he wanted to, because he knew how much being a starting setter meant to Atsumu.</p><p>He was there when Atsumu broke down day after day because Atsumu felt like he wasn’t enough. He was there when Atsumu pushed himself so hard to the point he refused to eat and rest, just so he could practice setting. It was one of the things they always fought about.</p><p>And Kiyoomi felt like he at least had the right to see how much Atsumu grew as a person and as a player after their break up.</p><p>That day, MSBY Black Jackals won against EJP Raijin.</p><p>Kiyoomi swore he fell in love with Atsumu again that day. Kiyoomi almost forgot how breathtaking Atsumu was whenever he played. Kiyoomi almost forgot how glorious Atsumu was whenever he gave the perfect toss.</p><p><em> I want to be someone who can hit your perfect tosses </em>, Kiyoomi thought that day.</p><p>When Kiyoomi waited out of the stadium to say goodbye to Motoya, he didn’t expect to bump into Atsumu. They were both surprised to see each other.</p><p>“Kiyo–Sakusa.” Atsumu said, his eyes wide.</p><p>“Miya,” Kiyoomi nodded calmly, as if his heart wasn’t beating rapidly right now, “Congratulations, both on your win and your debut.”</p><p>“Oh–uh, th-thank you.” Atsumu stuttered, still looking at Kiyoomi with wide eyes, as if he couldn’t believe he was in front of him. Kiyoomi noticed something in Atsumu’s eyes, it was the same look Atsumu had whenever he looked at Kiyoomi.</p><p>It hurt Kiyoomi to see that Atsumu still looked at him the same way Atsumu looked at him when they were together. Kiyoomi suddenly had the urge to kiss Atsumu right now, to say he was proud of him, to say that everything was worth it in the end, to say that he still loves him, but he knew he couldn’t do that, not anymore.</p><p>Kiyoomi had no right.</p><p>“Oh, well. It was nice seeing you, Miya. Good luck on your next matches.” Kiyoomi said, and offered Atsumu a small smile, which made Atsumu’s eyes wider.</p><p>Kiyoomi turned away and started walking away, when he felt a hand grab his hand. He knew it was Atsumu, he wasn’t stupid. Kiyoomi felt his heart skip a beat when he felt Atsumu’s hand on his.</p><p>It has been a while since he felt warmth envelop his body. Atsumu’s warmth, to be exact.</p><p>“Omi, just wait.” Atsumu called out.</p><p>Kiyoomi honestly missed hearing that nickname, and he missed Atsumu so much.</p><p>“What?” Kiyoomi turned around to look at Atsumu. He was so close, he could feel Atsumu’s breath on his face. Just one step, and Kiyoomi could kiss Atsumu.</p><p>“Come celebrate with me, tonight.” Atsumu pleaded, he was still holding Kiyoomi’s hand, gripping it firmly as if he’s also pleading using his hands.</p><p>“Atsumu, I–”</p><p>“Don’t say no, please. Just this once, Omi, as friends. Hm?” Atsumu said, giving out a smile.</p><p>Kiyoomi knows he should say no. Kiyoomi knows that. But how can he? When the person he loves is in front of me, holding his hand, smiling at him like he’s still in love with Kiyoomi.</p><p>“Yeah, sure.” Kiyoomi smiled, and Atsumu laughed, clasping their hands together, as they both left the stadium with their hands intertwined with each other.</p><p>They spent the whole night together, they ate dinner, and after dinner, they walked around the busy streets of Tokyo with Atsumu holding Kiyoomi’s hands, and just talked.</p><p>They talked about everything that happened the past five months, Kiyoomi talking about university and volleyball and Atsumu talking about practice, and the League matches, but they never talked about their breakup or their relationship.</p><p>Kiyoomi didn’t ask what they were doing, because Atsumu clearly said that this “celebration” was spent as friends, and they were friends, Kiyoomi guesses.</p><p>When they were both getting exhausted from walking around the streets, Kiyoomi offered to walk Atsumu to his hotel, to which Atsumu agreed. The walk to Atsumu was silent, but it was a comfortable silence.</p><p>Kiyoomi hasn't felt this fun for a while now. Well, Kiyoomi hasn’t felt this happy since their breakup and Kiyoomi was happy that despite breaking up, they could still spend a night together like this, like friends.</p><p>“We’re here.” Kiyoomi said, as they stand outside the entrance of Atsumu’s hotel building.</p><p>“Yeah.” Atsumu said, as he looked up at the hotel building, and then back to Kiyoomi, “Thank you for celebrating my debut with me, Omi.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, and congratulations, again, Miya. You deserve it.” Kiyoomi smiled at Atsumu. Kiyoomi probably couldn’t count the times he smiled at Atsumu just this night.</p><p>“Thank you, really.”</p><p>There was a moment of silence, both of them just standing outside of the building, their hands still clasped with one another. Atsumu was staring at Kiyoomi’s eyes, then his eyes flickered to his lips. Kiyoomi looked away from Atsumu, pulling his hand away from Atsumu.</p><p>“I better go, it’s la–” Kiyoomi didn’t finish his sentence when Atsumu pressed his lips against Kiyoomi’s.</p><p>The kiss was soft, but <em> desperate </em>. Atsumu placed his hands on Kiyoomi’s cheeks, as their kiss deepened. Kiyoomi wrapped his hands around Atsumu’s neck, one hand holding Atsumu’s nape while the other grabbed a handful of Atsumu’s hair, pulling him even closer.</p><p>Kiyoomi licked Atsumu’s bottom lip, and Atsumu opened his mouth, granting entrance to his tongue. Atsumu moaned in Kiyoomi’s mouth, pulling Kiyoomi even closer. Atsumu’s hands were now wrapped around Kiyoomi’s waist.</p><p>Atsumu pulled away, both of them were breathless, “Do you wanna come up with me to my room?”</p><p>Kiyoomi nodded in response, he didn’t trust his mouth to say anything right now. He <em> knows </em> he should decline Atsumu’s offer and leave, but Kiyoomi <em> didn’t </em> want to say no.</p><p>He missed Atsumu so fucking much, and he wanted Atsumu right now. He wanted to feel Atsumu again, he wanted Atsumu’s warmth – no, he longs for it – and if sleeping with Atsumu would make Kiyoomi feel his warmth again, then so be it.</p><p>That night, they made love over and over again. It was like the first time they did it, curious and gentle with each other’s bodies, but as the night went on, they became rougher, more desperate to taste each other, to feel each other.</p><p>
  <em> I still love you </em>
</p><p>Kiyoomi didn’t say the words and neither did Atsumu, but they both understood with their lingering gazes and touches. They both felt it when Kiyoomi wrapped his arms around Atsumu, and Atsumu kissed Kiyoomi’s forehead.</p><p>The next day, they never talked about what happened, they exchanged their new numbers, and kissed goodbye.</p><p><em> It was for the better </em>, Kiyoomi thought that day.</p><p>Because even though they still love each other, they were also fully aware that being in a relationship again wasn’t an option that is open right now.</p><p>They were too busy with their lives, Kiyoomi who was too busy with university and volleyball and Atsumu who was too busy with his professional career.</p><p>They both knew that a relationship was not what they needed right now.</p><p>But they still wanted each other.</p><p>They still love each other.</p><p>After that night, they started texting again at random times of the day. Sometimes when they had time, they would call each other and just talk about their week. It wasn’t consistent, but they tried. A month after Atsumu’s debut, he had a game in Tokyo again, and they both met up after the game, and hooked up.</p><p>And after that, they started meeting up and hooking up whenever Atsumu was in Tokyo for his matches, or whenever Kiyoomi was in Osaka for his college matches.</p><p>And it continued on for two years until Kiyoomi graduated from university.</p><p>Their relationship wasn’t exclusive, because Kiyoomi still dated other people. Kiyoomi still fucked other people, and he was sure Atsumu also was dating other people with the amount of rumors he had heard about him.</p><p>But they never talked about that. They never really talked about what they were, or what their place was in their lives.</p><p>And throughout this <em> dance </em> they were both dancing around, Kiyoomi just wanted out.</p><p>At first, it was okay for Kiyoomi – heck he even wanted it – because at least he could hold Atsumu in his arms, he could touch Atsumu, he could kiss Atsumu, and he could be with Atsumu, even with just them seeing each other once a month or even once in two months, at least he could be with Atsumu.</p><p>Even if Atsumu wasn’t truly his, not anymore.</p><p>But it hurt. It hurt Kiyoomi knowing that this is just what he and Atsumu’s love could amount to, just them hooking up with each other.</p><p>They haven’t even said the words ‘I love you’ again since they broke up, and that was two years ago.</p><p>And they have been seeing each other again for two years.</p><p>That’s <em> more </em> than the time they were <em> actually </em> together.</p><p>Why couldn’t Kiyoomi say the words?</p><p>And it hurt.</p><p>But despite it hurting so much, Kiyoomi still could not let go of Atsumu.</p><p>He <em> did not want </em> to let go of Atsumu.</p><p>But love is not enough for them to be together, but it was enough for Kiyoomi to continue on this game they were playing.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>2018</strong> </em>
</p><p>Love is not enough.</p><p>Kiyoomi realized this again when he joined MSBY Black Jackals, moved in with Atsumu and started living together even though they were not together.</p><p>They haven’t really been together since they broke up around two years ago. So Kiyoomi didn’t know why he accepted when Atsumu asked if he wanted to live together.</p><p>It was around 2 days after his graduation, Atsumu came to visit him for a week to attend his graduation since the V. League just ended, and it was off-season. Kiyoomi had already accepted the Black Jackals’ offer, and to say Atsumu was happy was an understatement.</p><p>He was ecstatic.</p><p>He looked like he was the happiest man on earth, when Kiyoomi told Atsumu he was joining the Black Jackals. Atsumu kissed him everywhere that day, his lips, his nose, his cheeks, his eyes, his moles, his forehead, his body, everywhere.</p><p>They fucked like crazy that night.</p><p>And it was during the solemnity of the night when Atsumu asked him. Kiyoomi’s arm was wrapped around Atsumu’s waist, his head resting on Atsumu’s chest as Atsumu played with Kiyoomi’s hair.</p><p>“Do you wanna move in with me?”</p><p>And Kiyoomi didn’t hesitate when he answered, not even a pause to think about what Atsumu just asked him.</p><p>When it comes to Atsumu, Kiyoomi will always say yes.</p><p>He will do anything and everything for Atsumu.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>They kissed again that night.</p><p>And if Kiyoomi could bring back time to say no to Atsumu that night, he would, he really would.</p><p>Because Kiyoomi thought that if moving together with Atsumu, and finally being able to have Atsumu in one arm’s reach after years of having distance between them would mean that they could finally be together, once again.</p><p>Then Kiyoomi was wrong. He was so so wrong.</p><p>Because they weren’t together, even after almost a year of living together.</p><p>And the saddest part is, they probably wouldn’t be together anymore.</p><p>They would just stay like this, dancing around each other, destroying each other, and still not be able to let go of each other.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The thing is, Kiyoomi is used to living alone. He had been living alone for most of his life. His family and siblings were always busy, so it was just him until he graduated high school. When university came, he met a few close friends but other than that, he still lived alone.</p><p>So suddenly having to live with someone after living alone for so long had shocked Kiyoomi. He almost forgot that he and Atsumu were opposites when it comes to their living habits.</p><p>They fought about it, a lot.</p><p>Kiyoomi, who would call out Atsumu for his mess, and Atsumu, who would shout and mock Kiyoomi that he was being overdramatic. And their fights would just spiral out of control.</p><p>They fought about a lot of things. It was not just the living habits, it was everything. They fought about volleyball, their friends, their time, about each other, just everything they could think of.</p><p>Kiyoomi, who was too blunt, and Atsumu, who was an asshole.</p><p>Kiyoomi doesn’t even know if Atsumu still loves him. He did not feel it anymore with his gaze or his touch. Atsumu probably hated his guts, or probably he always did when Kiyoomi ended their relationship two years ago.</p><p>But in the end, they would make up, and by make up, Kiyoomi meant angry hate sex.</p><p><em> Sex </em>.</p><p>That’s probably the only thing keeping their <em> relationship </em> together, or whatever they have.</p><p>Not even love could salvage this.</p><p>Because love is not enough.</p><p>Kiyoomi was slapped once again with this realization.</p><p>It was during Christmas Day.</p><p>They decided to spend Christmas since it was going to be their first Christmas together. It was a happy day, probably one of the few happy days they spent together since they started living together.</p><p>Atsumu made Christmas pancakes in the morning and they opened their gifts, then they spent the whole day watching Christmas movies, and when the night came, they drank wine.</p><p>Kiyoomi spent the whole day cuddled up in Atsumu’s arms.</p><p>It was a really good day for Kiyoomi, probably the best Christmas he ever had.</p><p>Not until they both got wine drunk.</p><p>“I love you.” Kiyoomi whispered into Atsumu’s chest. He could feel Atsumu stiffen at his words.</p><p>It was the first time Kiyoomi said it again. The last time he said it was on the day of their breakup, almost three years ago.</p><p>“Kiyoomi.” Atsumu said, his voice hard as if he was clenching his jaw, but Kiyoomi could hear how Atsumu was trying not to crack. Kiyoomi looked up at him. Atsumu is looking at him with an expression he recognizes, Atsumu looks at him like Kiyoomi was his entire world.</p><p>But despite Atsumu looking at him like that, his eyes were sad.</p><p>“Atsumu, say it back, <em> please </em>.” Kiyoomi pleaded, tears forming around the rim of his eyes.</p><p>“I can’t.” Atsumu’s voice cracks, and Kiyoomi could hear how much it pained Atsumu to say those words.</p><p>“Why not? Do you not love me anymore?” Kiyoomi cried, as tears fell from his eyes. Atsumu kissed the tears away.</p><p>“I fucking do, more than you know. It just...it hurts too much right now.” Atsumu whispered into Kiyoomi’s eyes as Kiyoomi continued to cry.</p><p>“I hate this, Atsumu.” Kiyoomi cried, “We’re so fucking <em> miserable </em>, but I can’t let you go. I just love you too much.”</p><p>“I know, Kiyoomi.”</p><p>“What am I supposed to do with all this love when all it does is hurt us?” Kiyoomi’s voice cracked. He could feel Atsumu’s arms tightened around him.</p><p>It was as if saying, <em> don’t go, Kiyoomi, don’t leave me </em>.</p><p>“It hurts so much, Atsumu. It fucking hurts, but I can’t stop loving you.” Kiyoomi sobbed harder now.</p><p>
  <em> I want to hold you forever </em>
</p><p>
  <em> I want to touch you forever </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But I want to give up on you </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But I can’t let go of you </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And it hurts so much </em>
</p><p>That night, Kiyoomi cried and cried as Atsumu held him. Kiyoomi didn’t know if Atsumu cried too. But Kiyoomi knew one thing, and it was that despite all the pain, they still couldn’t let go of each other.</p><p>The next day, they never talked about what happened during that Christmas night. They were good at that, not talking about the important things.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> <strong>2019</strong> </em>
</p><p>The thing is, despite living together for almost a year, the Black Jackals didn’t know anything. They didn’t know that Atsumu and Kiyoomi were <em> kind of together </em>, and they didn’t know they were living together.</p><p>It wasn’t like it was a secret, they just never bothered to mention it, and nobody asked.</p><p>So when their doorbell rang, Kiyoomi, still in his pajamas, opened it to see Hinata carrying a plastic bag. To say Hinata looked surprised was an understatement.</p><p>“Omi-san? What are you doing here, isn’t this Atsumu-san’s apartment?” Hinata asked with wide eyes, as he confusedly looked at the door number to see if he got the apartment right.</p><p>“I live here.” Kiyoomi answered plainly, which made Hinata choke in surprise. Kiyoomi backed away from the door, and started walking inside. Hinata followed.</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Atsumu isn't here, by the way, he didn’t go home last night.” Kiyoomi said, as he sat on the kitchen counter, pouring tea on two mugs. He offered one to Hinata who said his thanks.</p><p>“Really? But Bokuto-san and I dropped him off here last night.” Hinata said confusedly, which made Kiyoomi tighten his grip on the handle of his mug.</p><p>Now Kiyoomi was the one who said, “Oh.”</p><p>Atsumu was like this. Atsumu would always leave their apartment and sleep somewhere whenever their fights got too intense and out of control. Kiyoomi didn’t know if he was staying with Osamu or sleeping with other people.</p><p>Kiyoomi didn’t want to find out.</p><p>But ever since that Christmas night, three months ago, Atsumu has been going home less and less. At first, it bothered Kiyoomi and they would fight about it for days but then he just grew tired of waiting for Atsumu, and just lets Atsumu do what he wants.</p><p>The last time they even slept together was when they won the Division 1 V. League Tournament, reigning them as the champions and that was two weeks ago. That was also one of the best days he had with Atsumu.</p><p>They didn’t fuck that night, they <em> made love </em>.</p><p>It was one of the rare nights they had when they made love, since all they do is just have angry hate sex or just fuck each other when they’re horny and bored.</p><p>Kiyoomi didn’t even know what the point of this relationship was anymore.</p><p>Kiyoomi was woken up from his thoughts and he heard Hinata ask him a question.</p><p>“Are you okay, Omi-san?”</p><p>“Yeah.” Kiyoomi responded, as he sipped his tea. Hinata was looking around the apartment.</p><p>The apartment wasn’t empty, it had a lot of Atsumu and Kiyoomi’s pictures throughout the years of their relationship. There were pictures from when they were still in high school, when Kiyoomi was in university, when Atsumu debuted as the first string setter in the Black Jackals. Even recent pictures of them being together with the Jackals.</p><p>“I didn’t know you and Atsumu-san were still together. I heard you were broken up, and with Atsumu-san always kissing other peop–” Hinata slapped his mouth so hard, Kiyoomi knew that drew blood but Kiyoomi didn’t care because he just had confirmation of what he had been fearing.</p><p>The fact that Atsumu still hooks up with other people.</p><p>Kiyoomi has always thought about it, that maybe Atsumu still sees other people than him. They never really said they were exclusive after moving in together. But Kiyoomi stopped hooking up with other people ever since he moved in with Atsumu.</p><p>So Kiyoomi thought that maybe, just maybe, Kiyoomi was the only one in Atsumu’s life right now, but Hinata just proved him wrong.</p><p>And it hurt. It hurt so fucking much.</p><p>Kiyoomi suddenly wanted to cry and scream, to pull his hair in frustration.</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Omi-san. I’m so sorry. Please don’t tell Atsumu-san I told you that.” Hinata shouted, bowing in front of him in a straight 90 degree angle.</p><p>Kiyoomi gave him a small chuckle, waving him off which made Hinata look at him with wide eyes, “Don’t worry, Hinata. We’re not exactly together anymore.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“We just sleep together. We broke up 3 years ago.” Kiyoomi shrugged, and said it as if it didn’t hurt Kiyoomi. </p><p>“But you <em> live </em>together?” Hinata asked, furrowing his eyebrows, genuinely curious and confused.</p><p>“Yes. We can’t seem to let go of each other. We just keep crawling and crawling back to each other even though we’re hurting each other so much by being together.” Kiyoomi answered, honestly. Because it was the truth. He smiled bitterly.</p><p>“Why are you telling me this, Omi-san?”</p><p>“I honestly don’t know, Hinata. It’s been a while since someone questioned my relationship with Atsumu.” Kiyoomi said, which made Hinata nod quietly.</p><p>“Do you still love him, Omi-san?” Hinata asked, with big eyes. He was looking at Kiyoomi with an expression he doesn’t see often, it wasn’t pity, it was more like empathy.</p><p>“I love Atsumu to death, and even though I’m the one who dumped him, I’m the one who can’t let him go. Pathetic, right? I’ve been trying to let him go but that still hasn’t worked out. But honestly? All this time, I’ve just been waiting for him to finally leave me because I know that I couldn’t do it. I can’t leave him.”</p><p>It was a scary realization to have, to realize that you can’t bear to let go of a person because you love them too much, even if all they do is hurt you.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>After Hinata’s visit, Kiyoomi was angry. Angry at Atsumu, but most of all, angry at himself for letting everything come to this. For ruining their relationship. For losing himself for Atsumu. </p><p>Kiyoomi was so angry that he went to a bar, got drunk, and brought home a hot guy he didn't even know the name of. Atsumu still hasn’t come home so Kiyoomi didn’t care. He tries not to care.</p><p>Kiyoomi let the guy fucked him like crazy.</p><p>Kiyoomi woke up to a loud scream in the morning, when he opened his eyes. He saw Atsumu standing in front of his head, glaring at him so hard that if looks could kill, Kiyoomi would probably be dead by now.</p><p>“Omi, who the fuck is this?” Atsumu shouted again, pointing to the stranger, who also woke up from Atsumu’s screaming.</p><p>“Wait, you have a boyfriend?” The stranger – Kiyoomi really doesn’t remember the name – shrieked, looking at Atsumu and then at Kiyoomi.</p><p>“No. I just live with him.” Kiyoomi answered, nonchalantly. And Kiyoomi swears, he almost saw Atsumu cracked, there was pain in his eyes but Atsumu quickly masked it off with a glare.</p><p>“I don’t think that’s the case. I better go.” The stranger said, as he scampered through the room, picking up his clothes, and dressing up as he passed by Atsumu muttering an apology.</p><p>When the guy had completely gone out of their apartment. Kiyoomi returned Atsumu’s glare. They were silent for a moment, just glaring at each other. Kiyoomi could see Atsumu’s fist going white with his grip. It was Atsumu who broke the silence.</p><p>“What the fuck, Kiyoomi? Now you’re bringing strangers to <em> our home </em>?” Atsumu shouted, emphasizing the words “our home”, Kiyoomi winced at the words.</p><p>Home? When has this apartment even become a home? This wasn’t a home. This was hell. Kiyoomi wanted to shout.</p><p>“Why the fuck do you care about what I do with my life?” Kiyoomi shouted back.</p><p>“Because it involves me, Omi!”</p><p>“Involves you? How does me fucking a stranger have anything to do with you? We’re not even together anymore. I can fuck whoever I want.” Kiyoomi snapped. Atsumu backed away, as if he was slapped by Kiyoomi’s words.</p><p>Kiyoomi could read the unsaid words in Atsumu’s face.</p><p>
  <em> I thought you loved me. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> How could you do this to me? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> How could you hurt me like this? </em>
</p><p>Kiyoomi almost wanted to laugh in his face, as if Atsumu hadn't been doing that to him. The only difference is that Atsumu is just better at hiding it.</p><p>“Fuck you, Kiyoomi. <em> Fuck you </em>.” Atsumu spitted out, glaring at him</p><p>“<em>Don’t you</em> <em>fucking dare</em> say those words to me, as if you haven’t been fucking other people behind my back.” Kiyoomi’s voice cracked, as tears started to fall from his eyes again. Atsumu was taken aback, surprised, but what hurt Kiyoomi more was the fact that Atsumu actually looked guilty.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“<em> Wow </em> , so now you’re pretending like you’re not? Fuck you, Atsumu! I am so fucking tired of this. I am so fucking tired of <em> us </em>. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. I can’t do this anymore.” Kiyoomi cried out, putting a fist above his heart, as if that would take away the pain he was feeling right now.</p><p>“Are you finally going to throw me away, Kiyoomi?” Atsumu cried. Kiyoomi looked up to see Atsumu cry. Kiyoomi could feel his heart shattering into pieces at the sight.</p><p>This was the first time Kiyoomi saw Atsumu cry again. The last time he saw Atsumu cry was the day of their breakup.</p><p>“I honestly don’t know, Atsumu.”</p><p>What would it take for the pain to end? How much does he have to give to let the pain go away? There’s nothing left of him anymore. Kiyoomi was so fucking exhausted.</p><p>“Do you not need me anymore? Do you not want me anymore?” Atsumu asked softly, and hearing him talk like that, his voice so small and so uncertain of everything, pained Kiyoomi.</p><p>“I do. More than anything in this world. But I can’t take it anymore, Atsumu. Everything just hurts.” Kiyoomi whispered, as he covered his sobs with his hand.</p><p>“Is love even supposed to hurt like this?”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>It has been a week since Kiyoomi last saw Atsumu, and this might probably be the worst Kiyoomi has ever been. He hadn’t been eating properly, he just stays in bed all day, and then drinks all night until he passes out.</p><p>Kiyoomi is so relieved that everything happened after the V. League since Coach Foster gave them a month to rest before practice starts again, but then that would mean that starting next week he had to start practicing with Atsumu again.</p><p>Kiyoomi was in the kitchen, cooking himself a simple meal when he heard the front door opened. He felt his heart race at the anticipation that Atsumu might have come home. But it all deflated, when his cousin, Komori Motoya, entered the apartment.</p><p>“Oh. It’s you. I thought Atsumu came home.” Kiyoomi said wearily, turning his back to Motoya.</p><p>“Kiyo, what the fuck happened here?” Motoya said, as he looked around the apartment, horrified. And he has the right to be.</p><p>The apartment was a mess. Bottles of wine, and whiskey were on the floor. Stacks of paper plates were on the coffee table.</p><p>After Motoya looked around the apartment, he finally looked at Kiyoomi, and Kiyoomi saw how his face contorted into surprise and then into sadness, quickly realizing what happened.</p><p>The only people who truly knew about what was happening in Atsumu and Kiyoomi’s relationship were Osamu, Motoya, and Suna.</p><p>“Kiyo, you have to stop this.” Motoya said, sadly, as he sat down in front of Kiyoomi in the kitchen counter.</p><p>“I can’t.”</p><p>“You have to let him go, Kiyo. Stop doing this to yourself. You’re hurting him. You’re hurting yourself. Please, <em>you have to</em>.” Motoya comforted, as he took both of Kiyoomi’s hands in his, and started rubbing his thumb soothingly as if to comfort him.</p><p>“I don’t know how to let him go, Motoya.” Kiyoomi whispered, a few tears slipped from his eyes.</p><p>“You do know, Kiyo. You just don’t want to.”</p><p>And Motoya was right.</p><p>That day, Kiyoomi cried the hardest he had ever cried in his entire right. He sobbed and he shouted, until there was no ounce of tears left in him anymore. And Motoya was right there, hugging the life out of him.</p><p>“I know you love him, Kiyo, so much. Maybe even <em>too much</em> for your own good, but this isn’t love anymore. This is just misery.”</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Atsumu came home, two days after Motoya visited Kiyoomi.</p><p>Kiyoomi was in the process of deep cleaning the apartment, when Atsumu went inside their apartment. Kiyoomi stood up from the spot he had been cleaning for 10 minutes.</p><p>“Atsumu.” Kiyoomi greeted.</p><p>He looked at Atsumu, and he was a mess. His hair was all over the place, the bags on his eyes were dark and evident as if he just spent the whole awake or crying, Kiyoomi didn’t know.</p><p>“Omi.” Atsumu greeted back, as he sat on the couch. Kiyoomi sat in front of him. Atsumu took deep breaths, inhaling, and exhaling.</p><p><em> Oh </em> , Kiyoomi thought, <em> he’s finally doing it </em>. Kiyoomi could feel it. Maybe Kiyoomi even hoped that Atsumu was the one who'd end this, because Kiyoomi knew he couldn’t.</p><p>“I’m leaving this place, Omi. I can’t do this anymore.” Atsumu said, firmly, seriously. As if he was already set with this decision.</p><p>Kiyoomi looked up, he didn’t know why, maybe it was to stop the tears from falling, then looked at Atsumu again.</p><p>“I see. Okay.”</p><p>“<em> I see. Okay </em>.” Atsumu mocked, Kiyoomi could see the anger in his eyes, “That’s all you have to say?”</p><p>“What do you want me to say? You want me to beg you and ask you to stay? When we both know we had enough of each other already?” Kiyoomi tried to sound like he was okay, but he faltered in the end.</p><p>They both remained silent for a while, looking everywhere but each other.</p><p>It’s ironic, really, how at some point, they were so obsessed with each other that they couldn’t take their eyes off each other, and yet now they couldn’t even look at each other anymore.</p><p>“Wouldn’t you ask why? Why I’m leaving now, even after everything?” Atsumu asked. Kiyoomi almost felt like he was pleading Kiyoomi to ask.</p><p>“I don’t care.”</p><p>“Okay, then. I’m getting my things. Osamu and Suna are with me. They’re outside.” Atsumu informed, and Kiyoomi wanted to shout, <em> why didn’t you start with that </em>?</p><p>“Okay. I want you out when I come back.” Kiyoomi said, as he stood up, and walked away from Atsumu.</p><p>When Kiyoomi went out of their apartment, Osamu and Suna were awkwardly standing outside. Kiyoomi gave them a small smile, which they returned, sadly and knowingly. Kiyoomi walked down to the parking, and he entered his car.</p><p>Kiyoomi couldn’t even cry.</p><p>It hurts.</p><p>It hurts so fucking much.</p><p>“Please stop hurting.” Kiyoomi whispered, as he clutched his chest with his fist.</p><p>Over and over, Kiyoomi had thought about what he would do if Atsumu never came back. No matter how many times he thought about it. He couldn’t imagine it clearly. He would think that maybe Atsumu will never leave him. He <em> hoped </em> Atsumu would never leave him.</p><p>But at the same time, Kiyoomi wanted this pain to end just as much.</p><p>But at the same time, Kiyoomi didn’t want to let go of Atsumu.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Love is not enough.</p><p>Kiyoomi realized this for the last time when he finally had to let Atsumu go.</p><p>Kiyoomi found out about it 5 days after Atsumu went to get his things in their apartment, now, <em> Kiyoomi’s </em> apartment. The MSBY Black Jackals started practice today, but before they started, Coach Foster had some announcements.</p><p>The team were all huddled up on the side of the court. Kiyoomi was sitting beside Hinata, who looked like he was going to cry any minute now. Kiyoomi looked around, and Atsumu still wasn’t here. Bokuto was slumped beside Hinata, looking down sadly.</p><p>Then suddenly, Kiyoomi felt it in his chest. Something was going to happen today. He could feel his heart clench in pain.</p><p>Kiyoomi heard the gym doors opened, and all heads turned to look at them, Coach Foster and Atsumu Miya entered the gym. Atsumu was smiling widely, but his eyes were sad.</p><p>Kiyoomi noticed that Atsumu’s eyes had looked so sad these past few months.</p><p>But there was something wrong, because Atsumu wasn’t wearing his practice gear. He was wearing casual clothes, black shirt, and black jeans.</p><p>Kiyoomi and Atsumu made eye contact, and Atsumu smiled sadly at him.</p><p>Everything suddenly became quiet, all Kiyoomi could hear was his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He knew what was going to happen. He <em> knew </em>. Kiyoomi clutched his shirt with his fist above his heart, he was breathing shallowly now.</p><p>He could see Coach Foster saying something, something about Atsumu being one of the best setters he ever had. He can see Atsumu looking worriedly at him, he looked like he wanted to run beside Kiyoomi and hug him. Kiyoomi’s head was spiraling, his heart was hurting so bad, he wanted to scream, he wanted to cry.</p><p>Then, a hand grabbed his shaking hands. Kiyoomi looked beside him, and Hinata was looking at him with the saddest smile he had ever seen, there were tears in Hinata’s eyes just waiting to fall.</p><p>“Omi-san, it’s going to be okay.” Hinata comforted.</p><p>But it wasn’t okay.</p><p>Because Atsumu was leaving. He was leaving Kiyoomi.</p><p>Then, he heard it, “So let’s all congratulate and wish Atsumu well for his new journey to being the best setter in France.”</p><p>And Kiyoomi stood up and ran. Ran out of the court. Ran out of the gym.</p><p>He ran as fast as his feet could take him.</p><p>“Omi!”</p><p>“Please, just wait!”</p><p>“Kiyoomi!” A hand grabbed his hand, and pulled him back. But Kiyoomi’s back was still turned to Atsumu. They were in the middle of the park that was near their gym, it was still early, so there weren’t a lot of people yet.</p><p>“Kiyoomi, please just stop and listen to me.” Kiyoomi could hear the desperation in Atsumu’s voice.</p><p>“No.” Kiyoomi snapped.</p><p>“Omi, just listen to me, will you?” Atsumu raised his voice, gripping Kiyoomi’s hands in his.</p><p>“No, because If I listen, you’re going to leave me, aren’t you?” Kiyoomi said it like it was the most painful thing he had to ever say in his entire life.</p><p>“Kiyoomi, I love you.”</p><p>And tears fell from Kiyoomi’s eyes.</p><p>It has been years since Kiyoomi last heard that.</p><p>The words Kiyoomi had desperately wanted to hear come out from Atsumu’s mouth these past few years, Kiyoomi had finally heard it again, but at what cost?</p><p>“Fuck, don’t do this, Atsumu, <em>please</em>.” Kiyoomi begged, as he silently cried, still turning his back to Atsumu.</p><p>“Kiyoomi, I’m sorry. I wanted to say how sorry I am for how much I have hurt you the past three years. I am sorry that I had to ruin the best thing in my life, and that’s you. I am sorry for ruining us. I am sorry that it had to be this way, if I could choose, I would never leave you. If I could choose, I would have done everything and anything just to be with you. If I could, I would have given it all up, just to have you a little longer. But I <em>can’t</em> because it hurts, Kiyoomi. It fucking hurts to the point it suffocates me, to the point I cannot even breathe properly without feeling the pain in my chest.” Atsumu cried out.</p><p>Kiyoomi could hear the way loud gasps were coming out from Atsumu’s mouth as he continued to cry. His grip in Kiyoomi’s hands were as tight as ever.</p><p>It hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much? Why is it hurting <em> them </em>so much?</p><p>What went wrong? Where did it all go wrong?</p><p>Kiyoomi doesn’t know what to say to that, because everything Atsumu said was exactly what he wanted to say.</p><p>“I’ll be rooting for you. Good luck.” Was all Kiyoomi could say, and he can hear Atsumu cried louder at that.</p><p>“Kiyoomi, look at me.” Atsumu begged, as he tugged Kiyoomi’s hand.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Please, Kiyoomi. Look at <em>me</em>.”</p><p>“I can’t, because if I do. I don’t think I can let you go, Atsumu.” Kiyoomi whispered breathlessly. The tears wouldn’t stop.</p><p>“Kiyoomi, please. I need to see your face before I can let you go.”  Atsumu pleaded, the hopelessness in his voice, more evident than ever.</p><p>“No.” Kiyoomi said, as he cried and cried.</p><p>They stayed like that for a long while, standing in an empty park, crying out their eyes. Kiyoomi’s back turned to Atsumu, refusing to see what face Atsumu had right now. Atsumu holding Kiyoomi’s hand on his own, still not letting go.</p><p>“Cou–could you let me go now, A–Atsumu?” Kiyoomi stuttered as he cried. He could feel Atsumu tighten his grip on Kiyoomi’s hand.</p><p><em> Please, just let me go </em>, Kiyoomi thought.</p><p>After a few moments of hesitation, Atsumu finally let go of Kiyoomi’s hand.</p><p>Atsumu finally let go of Kiyoomi.</p><p>Kiyoomi stood there for a moment, not looking back to see if Atsumu left or stayed. He was scared to look back and not see Atsumu in front of him.</p><p>But Kiyoomi still looked back.</p><p>And when he looked back, the sobs that came out of him were even louder, more <em>painful</em>.</p><p>Because Atsumu wasn't in front of him anymore.</p><p>He could see Atsumu walking back to the gym, he wanted to run back to Atsumu, he could feel his legs itch to run back to Atsumu and hold him in his arms again.</p><p>Kiyoomi wanted to stay with Atsumu forever.</p><p>Kiyoomi wanted to be with Atsumu forever.</p><p>Kiyoomi reached out his hand, as he watched Atsumu <em> finally </em> walk out of his life.</p><p>Kiyoomi doesn’t want to let go.</p><p>But he needs to.</p><p>For his sake.</p><p>For Atsumu’s sake.</p><p>“Goodbye, Atsumu.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you reached the end of this really sad fic, then thank you so much for reading this! And I hope you enjoyed it, which I probably know you didn't. I broke down 5 times when I wrote this.</p><p>Kudos and comments are highly appreciated! Thank you so much!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>